faux pas
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Today, April 4, 2009 concludes our 1 week incommunicado status, your proposition, which left me no choice but to concur and cooperate, albeit the heartbreaking heaviness of agreeing to such emotionally disturbing proposal. Since we have to be even with such decision, and since I know you decide things better than I do, considering that you are “emotionally mature” than me with all the relationship/age/ordeals you’ve been through, I gave in to such proposal as a mean of fixing us both. It started Saturday, and I was with my closest friends, I can’t bring up the topic because I can’t afford to bawl my eyes out infront of them, in an open space, filled with staring eyes. I have to muster (again) the subtle waves of emotions that probably will reach ashore once I hit the sack that night. But I was too drunk to think about it and have to drag myself to bed just to get a decent sleep.
Everytime I feel the urge of grabbing my phone and calling you, and telling you you’re a complete asshole for deciding such thing and torturing me with such silence…I would end up doodling my thoughts.
MY DOODLED THOUGHTS:
SUNDAY. I just woke up and expected a call and an SMS from you today, and suddenly the Y!M convo we had yesterday afternoon hit me hard like a stone, giving me a nagging headache all day. I hope you are happy with this. You are such an asshole! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE YOU SATISFIED? CAN YOU FEEL THE PAIN I SUCCUMB EVERY HOUR? DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? FUCK, YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!
MONDAY. I woke up 6 am and I was about to give you a wake up call, but wakeup calls have been over for more than 2 weeks ago. I fell asleep with the thought. I hate you so much . I hope you regret your decision. You will regret this come Saturday. You will regret everything. You will forever be abominated in my life.
TUESDAY. That’s it! I decided to stop my hallucinations. I barely had enough sleep, I pull myself off from bed to attend my finnish class today. My eyes look terrible from bawling out until 3 a.m. I watched City of God, again. Have I told you, I have a new Finnish teacher? He’s a good family man and he talks a lot about life and blah blah blah… it made me feel better. But my thoughts are still aching for you and it fucking hurts. Today, I received an SMS from way too ex boyfriend. The idiot named her daughter after me, I don’t know if he substituted the SSE with a Z, and I don’t know if it’s a compliment or complete bullshit, but the stupid bastard even invited me for the christening of her daughter…like UTANG NA LOOB! (he should have named her daughter Lolita, after my pet elephant…I’d be more than happy)… tangina yan!
I was walking along the street, and I was imploring for the gods to open the ground and swallow me whole. (enter drama) Tears were wellin’ up as I walk along the street of Duterte-Ilustre. I don’t know where I’m headed, all I know is that, I should stop myself from getting my cellphone, so I can’t call you, just to waste your time about my perpetual ranting, and tell you how pathetic my day is. I channeled you instead, but I failed.
WEDNESDAY. I am terribly bawling my eyes out and you are probably enjoying your life there. I am even. I am always even, and you fucking know that. I will hate you, it will happen. I am waiting. I will never again cry and succumb to this bullshit dramas for love sake. I will spend the day today happy, and I will feast on food that will make me happy.
I went out with my friends today, before that, they’ve been nagging me for a place…and I since my palate is craving for sizzling french fries with melted cheese and a big pitcher of margarita hence, we agreed to meet up at Some Place Else, above this bar is Casa Habana, familiar? Tonight was too good. Too good to have good friends around, good food, good music and good margarita. It was only this week that I realized that I feel happy. 105 days ago, 11:30 pm before we went to sleep…I asked you a question I never should have asked… a question, which should ONLY be asked to a man who is heavily inebriated and just answer interrogations without even thinking then proceed sleeping after answering such, with no contemplations needed whatsoever! I swear, I regret that day, that moment I asked you such pathetic query… I was like forcing myself inside a very small room, too small to accommodate us both. I should have spared you that question, for you were not even drunk. But you answered it like an inebriated fool. I feel pathetic and I shiver to such thought. Now, I am spelling distress, pity. The shifting of emotions was too fast for me to handle now with the thought 105 days ago.
(i bet you never remember those numbers. I’m not so into spending monthsaries and shits like that, but that explains everything motherf*cker!)
THURSDAY. I woke up early and I never have thoughts of you. Instead, I woke up with the thoughts on how to survive this week and the next, broke and happy. (enter Alanis Morisette!) Happy because the thought of you never occupied me the whole day, quite odd. And it’s been two days without waking up with a beautiful eyesore. I do hope you are happy and contented. Happy because you never have to deal with my issues and you never have to put up with me again. Happy because you have all the time in the world to welcome thoughts about someone, someone you met or someone you want to meet at fancy coffeshops and go backpacking somewhere. Happy because no one will nag you to eat on time or wake up you up because you might get late again. Happy because you can do anything you want to do like facebook surfing, facebook dating, facebook chatting, facebook flirting, because facebook, is the only way you can have your ex back or maintain that stream of communication with her/them. Now you can spare me your lamest reasons because the moment you disconnect me from your social networks, meant only one thing…and i don’t want to explain it again, you’re smart enough to decode my thoughts. I hope you are happy. Happy and free to use and be used by someone or anyone for the sake of earthly pleasures, whatever you call them. I seriously hope you are happy…fucking HAPPY!
FRIDAY. Oh well, the happiness you felt resonated. thankyouverymuch. I just had a happy Friday. We had a rough quiz but I managed to score very well. I went out with friends today and spent the night wastefully in the city. It was fun, and I had a good time. The moment I wrote this, was the only moment I thought of you. I think, I unnoticeably managed to desensitize myself from you. And I don’t know whether I should feel good or I should feel bad because…I feel nothing.
I don’t know what’s in the 1st quarter every year, but I always end up terribly fucked up and emotionally wasted, and it’s always associated with men and bastards. There are my exes, (those losers!) who never failed to make my life more miserable every 1st quarter, no bluff and shits like that, but I always end up pathetically fucked up. Now, I want to rearrange the months of this year so as to spare myself from such mess with you. I am so tired of it. I seriously want to arrange it or delete it from the calendar.
And this is what my demons are telling me now: “As much as I have every reason to leave this relationship, I can’t. No matter how many times I tell you or myself that I’m tired, hurting, and giving up (especially when under the influence of alcohol sometimes), I won’t. Because, they are lame and I told myself that I won’t again, use them to dump someone, not unless you prove yourself worthy…then I would never, for the life of me, think twice of ending this mess.
OK THAT SUMMARIZES EVERYTHING PEOPLE! I KNOW YOU DON’T REALLY SUCCUMB TO SUCH CHEESINESS AND DRAMA, LIKE ME. PFFFTTT!!!
SO THAT EXPLAIN WHY I POSTED THOSE SHITS EVERYDAY, EXCEPT FRIDAY, I WAS HEAVILY INEBRIATED. NEED I SAY MORE?!
I SERIOUSLY NEED TO JUNK MY ALCOHOL HABIT. I DON’T HAVE SOMEONE TO HOLD MY HAIR UP ESP. WHEN I’M PUKING MY GUTS OUT. WTF!
P.S.: OK, MINSAN LNG TO MANGYAYARI. CGE MAGBASA LNG KAYO!…YUN LNG NMAN ANG ALAM NYONG GAWIN, DBA?! lofl.
